indigestion.
ow.
ow.
owwwwwwwwww.
i'm never eating again.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
what i ate today
banana
big cup of soy chai [probs 20 oz or so]
blueberry bagel w/ pb
hazelnut bumblebee bar
peach-mangosteen naked juice [oh.my.god. best thing ever. this is the flavor i have always wanted! it reminds me of my childhood, and mangosteen is my new favorite fruit. we're moving to vietnam so i can eat it sin pausa]
mac & cheese
raw tomato soup
strawberry-chocolate-spice cake cupcake
i haven't been eating a lot at all lately. no appetite whatsoever.
big cup of soy chai [probs 20 oz or so]
blueberry bagel w/ pb
hazelnut bumblebee bar
peach-mangosteen naked juice [oh.my.god. best thing ever. this is the flavor i have always wanted! it reminds me of my childhood, and mangosteen is my new favorite fruit. we're moving to vietnam so i can eat it sin pausa]
mac & cheese
raw tomato soup
strawberry-chocolate-spice cake cupcake
i haven't been eating a lot at all lately. no appetite whatsoever.
things
i am grateful for:
strawberry-chocolate-spice cake cupcakes [with more strawberry filling!]
friendly, hip and cool vegans
boystown
my therapist
i appreciate:
spanish teachers
scarves
[mind you, not an all-encompassing list, just wanted to write this down.]
strawberry-chocolate-spice cake cupcakes [with more strawberry filling!]
friendly, hip and cool vegans
boystown
my therapist
i appreciate:
spanish teachers
scarves
[mind you, not an all-encompassing list, just wanted to write this down.]
Saturday, May 24, 2008
this wonderful life
i feel like this night, right now, has been a culmination of the internal struggles that have been going on for a very long time. some of which are:
what i want to do vs. what i should do?
perfectionism
extremism. [oh my ood, if i eat that cookie, the world is going to enddddddd!]
isolating myself from others/social situations, etc
trying to avoid some very imperfect parts of being human
low-down summary: i am a very strict, regimented, militant, extremey kinda person. i woke up at 5:15 most days of the summer [okay, like half] to go work out. HARD-CORE. i like schedules, lists, preciseness, not deviating from the plan, etc. i dream/fantasize/make lists-descriptions of what i think a perfect person is, or should be, or whatever, and i try to align my life to these principles. anyone that falls prey to instinct, impulse, temptation, etc, i deem weak. perhaps it is i, the weak one, the one afraid to embrace the very human part of me. basically, i view the ideal functioning of self as very robotic. come to think of it, i'd never cry, and i'd probably never roll on the floor laughing. i'd never bond with people over 3 am movie-watching and ice-cream eating, but who needs people anyways when you have the perfect self??
the result? severe dissatisfaction with my self for not being perfect, skipping that work-out, sleeping in, deviating from the objectively calculated plan. after a week of perfect eating, it's a sure bet you find me sitting on the kitchen floor, slurping my way into a ice-cream induced binge coma. chocolate! peanut butter! cake! everything! the funny thing is that i'm really not sure that eating extremely healthy [and perhaps not that deliciously] 95% of the time, and then the other 5%, engaging in very self-destructive, borderline psychotic behaviors is healthy. i'd probably rather eat generally healthy 80% of the time rather than be binging in the deep, dark depths of the night. this kind of perfect/human cycle is really quite vicious. i fixate on an irrational, unattainable goal and i get really hard on myself. this is partly why my self-confidence really isn't where it should be. i can't focus on the good parts of myself if i'm worried about the extra calorie, fat gram, etc.
the funny thing is that i feel that my journey with raw and personal stuff this past little way has brought me to an acceptance of not being perfect. i've really loosened up my black/white zero-sum absolutist judgments of people, actions, etc, and i think that it's one of the best things to happen to me in a long time. quite honestly, i use other people's weaknesses [if they are] to elevate myself above them. "oh look, i'm not in a drunken stupor on saturday night. i'm reading moby dick. that means that i am a good person." i'm really not so sure it does. the thing is, there is no absolute good, or bad. i don't even like to believe in those terms. everybody has redemptive qualities [even if it's hedonism], and everybody has dark skeletons in their closet [some more than others.]
i've recently allowed myself to do things that a morally/healthy/proper absolutist version of me would never let myself do. the world did not end. my beliefs did not crumble. i did not die. my arteries haven't given up [yet!] BUT... i've made some amazing memories which i am going to remember for a very long time. i have good, fun stories to tell. i've experienced things that light my soul on fire.
i'd like to share some of these things in particular [certainly the most incriminating ones]:
i am going to be completely honest here-i say that i am a vegan. i consider myself a vegan. but i have succumbed [twice] to a morrocan cream pudding that honestly, was soooo worth it. one of the best, most amazing things i have ever had in my life, and if i were to die after the ingestion, i'd die a happy woman.
a couple of weeks ago, i shared a clove cigarette with a really good friend. it was fun, felt very college-like, etc. one of best memories, easily.
tonight, i took a miniscule sip of a house member's capirinha. i wanted to see how it compared to other capirinhas. it was actually quite good, and the first time i did not shudder and squirm at alcohol.
to put this into perspective [for the worried parents that are reading], i'm still 99.9% vegan [or whatever, who cares about the statistics?], i am not going to become a chain smoker, that happened once, and probably won't happen again for a very long time. i am still very, very aware of the negative effects of smoking, etc. i am not going to become some college slut with a drinking problem, and i still have some very pointed reservations about drinking, and most likely, am never going to start. but this is not really news as i have sipped many a things in my time. [with you guys!]
random thought of the day: so, a cigarette takes 7 minutes from your life. do i really care about 7 minutes? it's seven minutes for a whole, damn, life-enriching experience.
i think a good conclusion to draw is to really listen to my body, my self, my being, and just do whatever feels right. there is a huge difference between learning how to make a mojito in cuba vs. frat party. french fries from mcdonalds vs. french fries in france. [france!] lsd at a random rave vs. with alfred hoffman [alfred-freakin-hoffman. that guy is the ultimate cool.] so perhaps the worst part about all of this is that i am going to become [or have become] an experience junkie. but really, what else is life about?
so, in summary, again, for assurance of concerned minds:
there's still something that rubs me the completely wrong way about frat parties, but maybe, if i was in the spanish town in which sangria originated [where is that?], i'd try some sangria at a tapas bar with lovely spanish friends.
i am most likely not going to try marijuana, unless i was smoking organic, home-grown hasheesh with a rastafarian in jamaica.
i am generally going to avoid consuming the milk of another species, but if a yogi-guru offered me to share a lassi with him on the steppes of the ganges, i am not going to say no.
i am such a relativist.
what i want to do vs. what i should do?
perfectionism
extremism. [oh my ood, if i eat that cookie, the world is going to enddddddd!]
isolating myself from others/social situations, etc
trying to avoid some very imperfect parts of being human
low-down summary: i am a very strict, regimented, militant, extremey kinda person. i woke up at 5:15 most days of the summer [okay, like half] to go work out. HARD-CORE. i like schedules, lists, preciseness, not deviating from the plan, etc. i dream/fantasize/make lists-descriptions of what i think a perfect person is, or should be, or whatever, and i try to align my life to these principles. anyone that falls prey to instinct, impulse, temptation, etc, i deem weak. perhaps it is i, the weak one, the one afraid to embrace the very human part of me. basically, i view the ideal functioning of self as very robotic. come to think of it, i'd never cry, and i'd probably never roll on the floor laughing. i'd never bond with people over 3 am movie-watching and ice-cream eating, but who needs people anyways when you have the perfect self??
the result? severe dissatisfaction with my self for not being perfect, skipping that work-out, sleeping in, deviating from the objectively calculated plan. after a week of perfect eating, it's a sure bet you find me sitting on the kitchen floor, slurping my way into a ice-cream induced binge coma. chocolate! peanut butter! cake! everything! the funny thing is that i'm really not sure that eating extremely healthy [and perhaps not that deliciously] 95% of the time, and then the other 5%, engaging in very self-destructive, borderline psychotic behaviors is healthy. i'd probably rather eat generally healthy 80% of the time rather than be binging in the deep, dark depths of the night. this kind of perfect/human cycle is really quite vicious. i fixate on an irrational, unattainable goal and i get really hard on myself. this is partly why my self-confidence really isn't where it should be. i can't focus on the good parts of myself if i'm worried about the extra calorie, fat gram, etc.
the funny thing is that i feel that my journey with raw and personal stuff this past little way has brought me to an acceptance of not being perfect. i've really loosened up my black/white zero-sum absolutist judgments of people, actions, etc, and i think that it's one of the best things to happen to me in a long time. quite honestly, i use other people's weaknesses [if they are] to elevate myself above them. "oh look, i'm not in a drunken stupor on saturday night. i'm reading moby dick. that means that i am a good person." i'm really not so sure it does. the thing is, there is no absolute good, or bad. i don't even like to believe in those terms. everybody has redemptive qualities [even if it's hedonism], and everybody has dark skeletons in their closet [some more than others.]
i've recently allowed myself to do things that a morally/healthy/proper absolutist version of me would never let myself do. the world did not end. my beliefs did not crumble. i did not die. my arteries haven't given up [yet!] BUT... i've made some amazing memories which i am going to remember for a very long time. i have good, fun stories to tell. i've experienced things that light my soul on fire.
i'd like to share some of these things in particular [certainly the most incriminating ones]:
i am going to be completely honest here-i say that i am a vegan. i consider myself a vegan. but i have succumbed [twice] to a morrocan cream pudding that honestly, was soooo worth it. one of the best, most amazing things i have ever had in my life, and if i were to die after the ingestion, i'd die a happy woman.
a couple of weeks ago, i shared a clove cigarette with a really good friend. it was fun, felt very college-like, etc. one of best memories, easily.
tonight, i took a miniscule sip of a house member's capirinha. i wanted to see how it compared to other capirinhas. it was actually quite good, and the first time i did not shudder and squirm at alcohol.
to put this into perspective [for the worried parents that are reading], i'm still 99.9% vegan [or whatever, who cares about the statistics?], i am not going to become a chain smoker, that happened once, and probably won't happen again for a very long time. i am still very, very aware of the negative effects of smoking, etc. i am not going to become some college slut with a drinking problem, and i still have some very pointed reservations about drinking, and most likely, am never going to start. but this is not really news as i have sipped many a things in my time. [with you guys!]
random thought of the day: so, a cigarette takes 7 minutes from your life. do i really care about 7 minutes? it's seven minutes for a whole, damn, life-enriching experience.
i think a good conclusion to draw is to really listen to my body, my self, my being, and just do whatever feels right. there is a huge difference between learning how to make a mojito in cuba vs. frat party. french fries from mcdonalds vs. french fries in france. [france!] lsd at a random rave vs. with alfred hoffman [alfred-freakin-hoffman. that guy is the ultimate cool.] so perhaps the worst part about all of this is that i am going to become [or have become] an experience junkie. but really, what else is life about?
so, in summary, again, for assurance of concerned minds:
there's still something that rubs me the completely wrong way about frat parties, but maybe, if i was in the spanish town in which sangria originated [where is that?], i'd try some sangria at a tapas bar with lovely spanish friends.
i am most likely not going to try marijuana, unless i was smoking organic, home-grown hasheesh with a rastafarian in jamaica.
i am generally going to avoid consuming the milk of another species, but if a yogi-guru offered me to share a lassi with him on the steppes of the ganges, i am not going to say no.
i am such a relativist.
Friday, May 16, 2008
warm weather is here! Raw Day One
woo! warmth! sun! shine! bunnies! [okay, no bunnies yet, just the metaphorical ones associated with happiness]. another happy thing? this picture, that's right, puerto vallarta.
so, i am really resolving to do raw as much as possible. this week, i really indulged and now i'm paying for it. i.e. i ate way too many samosas yesterday, really quickly, and now i think i have heartburn?? it's this really awfully uncomfortable feeling in my chest/throat. a burning sensation. even if it's not, it's ridiculous to not be feeling your physical best everyday when you have the ability and control to do so. i feel like my body's fighting against the onslaught of toxins right now, and i'm going to do everything i possibly can to help it. i AM NOT going to guarantee that if i am tempted by something and decide that life is not worth living unless i have that thing, that i won't eat it. and I WILL NOT feel guilty about it either. good thing about this week was that i didn't feel guilty at all-i just ate, and it was a lot of fun to eat [kinda, only while eating], but i feel like i broke my insides.
i am however, resolving to yes, go raw [when i say that, when i say, " i am raw," and really own the word, own up to it, it makes me more responsible for what i eat. not, "i'm trying to go raw," sino que "i'm going raw!" yeah!] under the exception outlined above and make a progress blog every day. i think this will get me to think about what's going on, realize that cravings are all part of the process, and really force me to be accountable.
I will be following this format (something that I did last spring which was soooo much fun]:
Physical: already mentioned above, feel awful today. hair looks really good though. i haven't eaten anything yet [woke up at 9:45], and have just been drinking water. i tried to drink some tea cuz i thought it would be good for me, but it increases the burning sensation and is just very uncomfortable. maybe i'll eat a banana sometime.
Emotional: feel pretty good, walked to campus today thinking good thoughts. focusing on good. focus. good.
Mental: feel competent, but definitely under my potential. not good as i wrote my application for UCEC coordinator and spanish inability makes me sad/frustrated.
Time Went to Bed: 2 am [haha. i watched all the grey's anatomy episodes online. haha. worth it. i hope callie and erica have an affair!]
Time Awoke: 9:45 am
Total Time Slept: 7:45 am. feel a little tired.
Dream(s): isaac and zoe threw sand at me for talking about pig welfare.
Food: nada
water: cup of tea, 40 oz so far
Exercise: walk to campus. i is gonna start exercising soon. promise.
Mood of the day: 7.5
Current mood: 7
Currently dreading: eh
Currently looking forward to: eh...diary transcription?
What made today memorable: happy, happy thoughts! good hair!
Who made today memorable: spanish teacher
Thought of the Day: will write happy thoughts down.
Quote of the Day: tal vez, "i stayed home and watched sesame street with her"-profesor
issues: body feeling yucky
celebrations: hopefully get to take a relaxing break tomorrow. i'm gonna bring backlash. [going cabinning at indiana dunes]
Saturday, May 10, 2008
good things i said to myself today
Random picture from Puerto Vallarta (when was that trip? 01??), superficially unrelated to what I'm about to talk about. I remember being really taken by this church. It's just randomly in the middle of the street. Is anything really random?
Relax, just breathe.
Come on, deep breath.
Everything will be okay...Breathe. [Didn't see that one coming, did you?]
I am ept, and can find my way around the city.
I can do hard things.
I am strong, I am strong.
I am warrior of the night. [don't ask.]
It's okay to make mistakes. I can fuck-up.
Look, I made a mistake, and I fixed it! Yay!
Being happy feels so nice. Let's do it everyday!
Just breathe through it.
It's okay.
I feel good about myself.
I can handle stressful situations with poise and grace.
I can do this. I can go in there, and do it.
I am the kind of girl who can do this. I didn't freak out. It went well.
Affirmations abound!
Relax, just breathe.
Come on, deep breath.
Everything will be okay...Breathe. [Didn't see that one coming, did you?]
I am ept, and can find my way around the city.
I can do hard things.
I am strong, I am strong.
I am warrior of the night. [don't ask.]
It's okay to make mistakes. I can fuck-up.
Look, I made a mistake, and I fixed it! Yay!
Being happy feels so nice. Let's do it everyday!
Just breathe through it.
It's okay.
I feel good about myself.
I can handle stressful situations with poise and grace.
I can do this. I can go in there, and do it.
I am the kind of girl who can do this. I didn't freak out. It went well.
Affirmations abound!
Friday, May 2, 2008
just making very clear...
i'm not the one that translates readings/writings into/out of español. i would never disrespect it, and myself in that way. i was simply offering some reflection/advice for others. hell, i feel bad when i translate words directly from spanish into english. :D
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