death is coming

i came to utah thinking that i would spend a lot of time hiking and training for the grand canyon trip, and effectively, hiking with and training my dog. i know now that's just no longer possible. dina is getting old [11 by june], and she just isn't the spry puppy that she used to be. what does this mean? walks that used to take half an hour, at most, now take an hour, at least. [although yesterday a 40 min. walk took us 1.2 hours]. this is, of course, first and foremost frustrating. but it also forces me to affirm one of the best lessons i've ever been taught [doesn't mean i regularly practice it]. take it slow, easy, be patient. i can't drag my dog down the hill without causing serious injury. really, my only choice is to just take my time. if she happens to die soon (probable), i don't want to remember how i got so angry, pulled and tugged her, and wouldn't let her smell and explore. after all her years of climbing over rocks, enthusiastically digging, and following me wherever i wanted to go, it's time i give a little back. it's time i honor her old sage age, and savor every last moment i have with her. it's the least i can do.

written on monday:
tonight was a really good reminder as to why i don't eat cooked food. i walked out of the restaurant saying that exact same thing. i feel tired, groggy, gross [like i have a bucket of dirty oil and explosive cancer-causing starches sloshing around in my stomach], sluggish, sloth, disgusting, eck. ew, why would i ever want to make my body/self feel like this? jim said that it's because i'm not used to it, but in truth, i remember feeling like this all the time. after a "good" meal, i would want nothing more than to take off my pants [so as not to dig in to my expanding stomach] and lie on the couch/bed for hours. that isnot how i want to live my life. i know that the body is a ridiculously forgiving machine, so i'm just going to ride this out, drink lots of peppermint tea, and do a green smoothie feast tomorrow. i had the spring rolls/pad thai because i remembered it as "good" tasty food, and jim and i always eat well and watch cool things together, but honestly, i would have been much happier with a salad. cooked food is just not conducive to the life i want to lead. i jumped around for at least three hours at the gipsy kings concert, i carried a streetwide banner against the wind during an anti-war protest, and those are just things that i would not have been able to do if i wasn't eating raw.

by the way, i had one of the best salads of my life yesterday. it was absolutely perfect. romaine lettuce [not my original idea, but my mom wanted to use it up, and it added a nice bitter crunch to the salad (used the stalky, old part)], spring mix, blackberries, pecans, dried cranberries, a lot of cucumber, fig balsamic vinegar, and some evoo. hm, i really like using fruit/nuts in my salads. it adds a very fun, yummy, exciting textural component.

also, today i made a smoothie with carrot and orange juice, blackberries, and a banana, delicious! jim really liked it too.

the coolest university of chicago student...

...is officially me. that's right. i am the college student that protests. now you know why i don't do facebook and parties-there are better things to do! in the world of monsanto, bush, and racial profiling, facebook/binge drinking only serve to distract us from the realities. i do have to say that i am appalled that i could only identify two uoc affiliates at the protest. maybe more of you came, for which i am glad. but i know that at least half of you are done with finals. stand up, rise up! while you're shopping, bombs are dropping. that situation doesn't change when you're studying you know. people always say that they don't have time right now. the thing is, if you don't have time now, or rather, make time, because you can always make time, you will never have/make the time. after this will be grad school, work, family, w/e. protests, political action, advocacy, these aren't things that we should just be reading about, these are things that we need to be actively participating in ourselves. last time i checked, ghandi was dead, who's going to pick up the pieces and make change happen?

okay, enough of the negative stuff. description: so many people! anarchists, queers, people with briefcases and trenches, old people, young people. latina representation, green power. i do have to say though, to all of the people that were smoking [a lot of you], please do your best to stop [unless you were smoking the ganja, in which case, just grow your own (prob do though...)]. we need people like you on our side, and alive! can't chant very well with the lung cancer.

and guess what yours truly did? carried a huge banner. not just a big flag or poster, huge, span the street width banner. yeah, from federal plaza to washington square, i did not give up, i did not rest, i did not surrender. [and effectively received a stellar upper body workout!] i also had to pull out a splinter from my glove with my teeth. [i'm that hardcore]. And... I have a bruise on my thigh from leaning the stick against it. we took the streets by storm, and many of them were shut down. [like half of michigan!]

and as we turned the corner....guess who was there?? riot police! yep, with their helmets, shields, and batons. 50 of them, and 50 cops on horses. please, you can't intimidate us! guess they have nothing better to do...

although, a cool thing was that several cops joined in. ah ha. you rock!

oh, and there were three helicopters following us.
let me please remind you that we are the non-violent ones. we don't invade countries, sue small farmers, and beat protesters in the street. you always talk about the crazy protesting liberals. excuse me? we're the ones taking back what is rightfully ours. where has the founding father zeal gone? civil disobedience anyone? this isn't a nebulous concept to be celebrated on one day of the year-it's a way of life. standing up for what we believe in, and fighting for it. in constitutional, peaceful ways. [this is where, you, learn a thing or two.]

i feel so empowered, charged, active. i almost didn't go tonight, and i will never almost not go again. the people, united, will never be divided! we're the ones in the streets. they had to close the streets for us. please never forget that they, they are the ones afraid of us. they need the batons and guards. we just need our presence, voices, and posters [if we have them, but really just your presence!] la gente, unida, nunca será divida.

¡la una raza, la una esperanza!

p.s. something about me-i hope to organize these types of things in the future. in argentina, i will be studying the political participation of latin-americans. we have some things to learn on this side of the americas, certainly...

being done with finals is so cool

even though i'm not actually done, i can pretend i am. i only have spanish for tomorrow, and we all know how good i am at el español. hee! and i have to admit, it is easy to get an A in that class, it really is. woo!

i did run out of time on my bio exam though. it's okay though as i have 5 extra points in that class [129/124 total pointage]. you know, i feel like i can't tell anybody how good i'm doing because people will come out of their little studying caves, pounce, and eat my flesh alive.

now, why do you have to be a fourth year/second year student [only] to enter for the book collecting prize? that's just something that doesn't make sense to me, unless t. kimball really despises odd numbers.

right, so because i am basically done with finals, i get to do things like go to the drl, walk really slowly and savor the mist, get an exactly right amount of sleep, read the shady reader and laugh out loud, blog, yawn, work out and eat apples! i can also have long conversations with people because i have nowhere to go, and nothing to do. [just kidding!] there's this almost electric buzz of stress and intensity in the air, but for me, finals are the least stressful time of the quarter. 3rd week was more stressful than this. so was the first day of this quarter. ah, for now, i'm just going to appreciate this time and frolic in it.

happy frolicking my little leperchauns!

duality

so, some of you are already aware that i have constantly struggled with reconciling the supposed different halves of me. one part wants to sleep in, eat strawberry pancakes, lie on the couch all day long, watch the real housewives of the oc, top chef, french movies, etc, and pet my dog. [this is obviously why being sick is so much fun. you get to do whatever you want because at any moment, you can die! oh wait, that applies to life too!]

life should be fun. it shouldn't be a game of classifying things into black and white categories. "yes i can" " no i can't." honestly, i don't want to spend my life making a list of what i can/cannot eat. eat whatever the hell you want to eat.

food is just not that simple. the concept of food goes so much further than just the things you put into your mouth. food=emotion, love, friends, family, experiences, far-away countries, comfort, childhood, memories, and more! something this big, this awesome, this grandiose, doesn't have a single cookbook or dietary plan. it's unique, it's special, and it's sacred. it's different for all of us. most importantly, there's this divine thing called flavor. it's so amazing and rich that it shouldn't even be a word. haven't you ever tasted something that made you fall in love? hasn't a bite of something ever made your entire body writhe with enjoyment? haven't you ever had an explosion in your mouth?

for the past few days, i've been rediscovering what taste really means. rediscovering food, and there are some really amazing flavors, tastes, experiences to be savored out there. seriously. if you don't know what i'm talking about, go find it! good food, good tasting food is so important. good food, good company, good life.

recently, i told jillian that all i really want to do is watch movies and eat ben and jerry's. this is, for the most part, true [ben and jerry's isn't that good, but you get the picture. the thing is though, if i want to spend my life doing that, then that's exactly how i should be spending my life. sure, i can do all of these amazing, really noteworthy, bragworthy, whatever, things, but then, right before i'll die, i'll wind up saying something like "shucks man, i really didn't get to do what i really, truly wanted." wouldn't that be horrible? to spend an entire lifetime doing things that you don't actually want to do. all that time, all of the time that you could have been spending with the love of your life, traveling in indonesia, or eating as many spring rolls as possible, all that time, gone. there's no resume for death you know. it'll come, and it'll be coming soon. so what are you going to do with the time you have? with the time you have right now? it can't be bought, sold, replaced if stolen, found again. it's here, and then it's gone.

the funny thing is that the more you deprive yourself (of food) for instance, the more you want it. you begin obsessing over it. it begins to consume your life. you can't concentrate on anything else, and just spend days and days thinking about it. reverse psychology. the more something is restricted, the more you crave to enter that forbidden zone. one of the reasons that i love michelangelo so much is that we both theoretically go through the same struggles. if he, for instance, did take up a lover, then maybe he wouldn't have been so obsessed with depriving himself of his desires. and then in the end, he wouldn't have wound up so misanthropic, lonely, and damn miserable. is it really going to kill us if we give in? not give in even, just satisfy our wants? no! we only think so because we lead ourselves to think so. when you stop obsessing over the fat grams, is the moment that they stop mattering. the moment that you stop absolutely rejecting the ice-cream case is the moment it stops being so taboo. the moment you stop barring yourself from the world, is the moment that you are totally free. liberated to be who you are, and do what you want to. for me, the moment that i stop barring cooked, fatty, fried, artificially sweet foods from my diet is the moment that i stop obsessing about them, twisting and turning my poor little head over how good it would taste, waking up day after day with the same craving. doesn't that sound good? doesn't it sound good to be free?

as for me, this means that i'm going to start to do/eat what i want to. most of the time, i do want to eat organic, raw, fresh food. i do fantasize and truly appreciate (from the bottom of my heart) the green smoothie. a bowl of blueberries and ripe mango has been in my dreams for quite some time. but on the other hand, sometimes i want blini. i want thin, white, russian, buttery, blini with sour cream and preserves. there, i said it. i want my mom's cereals, and i want pad thai. i want to eat ice-cream while walking home in the rain [something i just did by the way, and it was marvelous!], and i want to make brownies with my friend after school [i guess lydia and i haven't made brownies, but cupcakes and cookies sure!] it feels good to have what you want. really, really, really good.

i realized something today: i CAN have organic baby blue, flowered hemp sheets, and i CAN not make them in the morning, or make them at all. i CAN journal every time before i go to bed, but i CAN not go to bed until the sun comes up, or go to bed at all. i CAN spend equal time watching, and enjoying, lost, and a documentary on zizek. all of a sudden, i stop living according to a journal, or a book, or some nebulous irrelevant concept of how my life should really be like. i don't hold myself to the standard of someone else's labeled cupboards and ironed sheets, i hold myself to me. it's absolutely mind-blowing to not have a plan, or a time schedule for each and every day. "my perfect day....from the hours of 5:15 to 5:27, i will" No! I've had a plethora of perfect days, and I doubt any of them included that. the munificence of it all? life becomes unpredictable. it's all about aspiring, aiming, doing, .... living. seeking out what it is that you want, trying to complete it, and reacting to vicissitudes along the way. oh, and it's about having a damn good life too.

by the way, there is a difference between eating chips and french fries every day, just because. stuffing yourself full of food because you don't want to feel what's really going on. eating because it's there, because it's been offered, because you're lazy. to want, to truly desire, to fulfill that desire, is something completely and totally, blissfully different. don't worry, you'll know.

i leave with a quote that has radically changed my life, "desire is the purest form of expression of the self. why would you ever say no to that and reject yourself? spurn the desire and throw it into a big, scary, cold steel hole? it's you, listen to yourself, and be...you."

now, i'm going to curl up with a book and some tea, because that's what I want to do.

future reaction

man, she had an exam 2.5 hours away, and she was blogging, and trying on scarves and being fabulous?
i want to be that girl.

update

i feel really good right now. well, kinda. relative to last night. har har. but we got back at like 2 am, and i went to bed at 6, and i woke up at 1:14 pm, and i have a final at four, and really, i am a badass. i will read this blog years later and think, wow, i am so cool. i'm glad i was up making memories instead of doing things like studying, and sleeping...even though, really, i do like the two!

i wanted to be honest about what i ate yesterday:
7 or 8 oranges in total
10 bananas
5 or 6 fries with ketchup [yummy]
huge fruit salad [one from clarke's; already posted a pic]
pint of fresh squeezed oj
2 oz of bear naked granola [good! but made me feel physically bad]
1/2 c of dark chocolate chips [too much, but it was fun mindlessly eating them]

yeah, obviously i wasn't raw. but it's okay. i *can* not be raw. i *can* spend the day on the couch. likewise, i *can* eat 10 bananas in one day, and i *can* protest until my voice is hoarse. no reason i can't do all of these things. i'm going to have my fries, and my green shake, and eat/drink them too!

college life

before i came to the uoc, i used to read a blog by a somewhat ditzy [for uchicago], funny, tv-obsessed girl. as i reread it, i realize that she mainly blogged about her daily life here. "i haven't done my stat homework." "i watch tv instead of studying for finals." "i was going to do my laundry...ha." the thing is, i love this stuff, and not just because i'm obsessed with people's daily habits, but because it's interesting to know that someone is failing at being the perfect student, teenager,blah blah, just as much as you are. sometimes i feel like i am failing at being the perfect me, or hell, even just me at all. it sounds really sad, but it's true. i have all of these hopes, dreams, and expectations for myself, but a good portion of the time, i just want to lay around on the couch, watch (sometimes) mindless tv, and eat ice-cream. is that too much to ask?

i think i'm going to write more about my classes and things. it's really nice to have a record of the college years. today, i realized once again that this is just that, the college years. four little years out of my entire life. when it's over, it won't really matter. sure, it will have made me a part of who i am, given me a background and framework from which to pursue desires, but, it'll just be another location for old memories. "when i was in college, we used to always...." the present moment means the world to us, i know that, and really, maybe that's the way it should be. we don't really have anything else to work with, unless we want to drown ourselves in the past, or dive into the future. ah, swimming references. recuerde, filiberto murió ahogado.

i love my hum class, have i mentioned that? i do. we're reading a tolstoy story next quarter, and i'm going to read it in russky.

i have a final tomorrow. 4-6. the final that i would worry most about, if i worried about them. i found a gray hair the other day. it was kind of beautiful, superbly shiny and all that, but it was gray. this school is giving me gray hair. man. i have a final at four, tomorrow, it is six am, and i haven't gone to bed yet. i do not remember the last time i was up so late. what am i doing to myself?

[maybe this is an unconscious self-sabotage? i'm subconsciously teaching myself that i can never be perfect, so why try? eh, i'm tired.]

seeds!

eat a salad:


this was delicious but i wish it was bigger. i also ordered it without flesh/cheese in español, and was greatly understood. rock the casbah.

today is a good day, but i am still kind of hungry. i think i eat more than i need to but i am still losing weight.
i need to go to bed soon. like, half an hour ago.
this week, i am afraid that i will run out of work to do. i wouldn't know what to do with myself. :O

i saw my ex-writing intern at the gym. it was odd. i'm going to pretend it didn't happen.
p.s. have been going to the gym and eating totally raw. and i did all of my laundry and cleaning today. woo. i rock.

dios mio...

Pilsen is a cool little place...


dear god,
if leonardo pretended to believe in you, so can i.
please, please, make my leo essay fabulous. i just need to finish it, successfully.

p.s. i don't claim any more responsibility for my spelling. you see, english spelling and acquisition of spanish are inversely proportional. i only misspell things in english because i am exercising and broadening my intellectual prowess in/to other arenas. it's all about the international now, isn't that right?

woo.